335. If all my wishes came true, I would......
Wow. That's huge. If ALLLLLL of my wishes came true, I'd be living quite the contradictory life. I mean, how can I be married to Justin Timberlake, Steven Tyler, Jillian Michaels, Joaquin Phoenix, Jared Leto, Wes (from The Bachelorette) and Chloe Sevigny (Big Love) at the same time? That would be quite the house full, huh? Not to mention I'm not sure how people would react to me being married to so many people of both sexes. haha! :)
But seriously. It wouldn't be possible for all of my wishes to come true.
I never want my kids to grow up. That would be wish number one. My heart aches every time Jackson's voice cracks or how I notice that Taylor's waist keeps getting smaller and smaller and she keeps getting taller and taller. I want my baby boy back who was so content being wrapped so tight in a blanket that I swear his circulation was going to be cut off. But he loved it. I want my little bald big eared baby girl back who would be so moody and cry so hard that there was no sound coming out and she would turn blue because she was SO mad. I miss that. I miss it so much that literally, my heart aches.
But wish number two is that I want to be the most fantastic grandparent ever. So, see, contradictory.
Wish number three is that I want to be my kids' best friend. I want them to come to me with everything and feel comfortable doing so. I want to laugh with them, have fun with them, never be upset or harsh with them. Never having to discipline them.
Wish number four - I want to be the best mother ever, knowing when to have tough love and not be their friend. Knowing when it's ok if they hate me, confident that they will be better adults for it in the future and that they won't hate me forever. I want to know the difference between sheltering them too much and letting them grow up. It's really tough. No one ever tells you that you HAVE to let them grow up. You have to let them learn to live. You have to teach them how to be ok when things aren't ok.
Wish number five would be that I would want to be completely blissfully happy and content with nothing. No processions, nothing to my name but the people I love.
Wish number six is that I would be the richest person ever. Having everything money can buy and not wanting for anything. Again, extremely contradictory.
Wish number seven.... knowing all the answers. Being able to tell you what you need to hear, have it be the truth and for it not to hurt. Even if it's something that would hurt. I want to be able to comfort, speak wisdom, have it all make sense. I want my heart to be seen for all it is, all it isn't and for it all to be clear and understood.
Wish number eight is that I want to be blissfully unaware and have it be ok to be so. Unaware of the hurt, heartache, hunger (for food, but other things as well) and evil that lurks almost everywhere. I don't want to know it's there. I want to pretend that this world I live in is as perfect as it is in my daydreams.
I could go on and on, but I think you can see where I'm going. :) It would be impossible for all of my wishes to come true and for it all to work. And I think that's what makes life so fantastic. Even though some of my wishes don't come true, some things are super shitty, some things are so difficult that it makes it hard to breathe at times, some of my wishes do come true. A lot of them have. Most things in my life are so beautiful that I wonder what I've ever done to deserve to be where I am now. To have the children I have. To have the friends I have. What about me makes it possible that the good things in my life are so good?
A healthy mix of wishes coming true and some not makes this life worth living. You never know what wish will come true for you tomorrow.